Square Peg

It just feels so good to be back home.  Back in the Keys.  Back in the warm weather, with sunshine and palm trees.  Every time I go back to my ex-home, I feel more and more detached.  It's such an odd feeling.  There's family and dear friends up there.... I must find a way to get them all to move down here.  It's the only solution to my problem.

I don't belong up there anymore.  I've mused about this before.  I'm a square peg in a round hole when I leave my safety net of the Keys. Here I'm surrounded by square pegs. Here, I think "square peg" is just another way of saying "genius," to a certain extent.

I go up to the cold zone to visit family and friends.  That part is great, it really is.  Its the main purpose of any of those trips, seriously why else would I even think of going to a cold climate, I don't ski, I don't snowboard, I don't like to drive in snow, and I don't really like hot toddies. So, I go to see people I love.  Of course while I'm up there, moments of nostalgia wash over me, but there is truth in the old saying "you can't go home again."  At least, I can't.  Home isn't there anymore; for me it's here.

One of the people I adore most on this planet said to me on this trip something along the lines of "I was driving around today and I wondered what do you think about it here when you come to visit now?" It was an interesting question, and also ironic.  Ironic because for so much of the trip I was snapping pictures of my environment. Most of the photos were taken from the car since that's where I spent so much of the trip.  I had just scrolled through the camera to review pictures the morning I saw my friend who had asked that question.... and noted that 90% of the pictures were bare trees and freeway construction.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I used to love living up there.  Its not that way anymore.   My friends and family are not happy living there.  It is crowded.  When I asked friends to describe what its like living there, they said "angry," "lonely," "dark," "sad."  It's a shock sometimes when I stop and think. All I loved, all I ever knew, was right in that airspace.  My beaches are still there, they are waiting for me, and I will see them again. But, it doesn't seem to be enough for those who remain.  This contrasts starkly with being here.  No situation is perfect, that's not realistic.  But not one single person I saw in the cold zone was following their bliss.  No one. Another stark contrast.  I'm surrounded by people who are doing just that; following their bliss. Be it spending days on the beach weaving palm fronds into hats, playing the guitar and singing for supper, running a soup kitchen, or spending hours on end playing with muffin tins and measuring cups in a kitchen with a cracked tile floor.

I was the square peg because I was not living my life "stuck."  There were catalysts in my life which jolted me into an awakening of sorts. I used to be "stuck" like many of us can be.  We can be "stuck" in lots of things.... jobs, relationships, places. Sometimes we find a way to break free, while other times fear paralyzes us and we don't take chances.  What a shame.

I wish I could create a magic potion for everyone I love and wash it over them so they could see the forest for the trees.  Instead, I use words.  I tell them "anything is possible."  Its not much, but its all I have.  And, as the square peg in the round hole up there, maybe those words don't carry much stock in a dark, sad, lonely, angry space.  Also because up there "square peg" does not mean "genius." Nope.  Up there, all it means is "girl with unsuitable winter wardrobe unhappy with the weather."

Its different down here.  I'm surrounded by square pegs, and lots of us understand that anything really is possible.  Must be the sunshine and palm trees knocking sense into us. That or a falling coconut. Whatever it is, I'm in.