I used to write with some regularity. Posts would wax and wane, but generally I think I was pretty consistent. I enjoyed Vegan MoFo and used this blog to keep up with that too (they've disappeared and despite my best efforts to connect with admins there, something seems to have happened causing them to derail, I can only hope tragedy has not fallen upon them). Mostly I wrote about my life in the Florida Keys and running our vegan business here. I also liked to write about animals, things I would see on my runs, cooking experiments and of course just general ramblings. I never made any attempt to monetize this blog, nor build it up. I think that's evident in the followers, lol. I was, and still am, very ok with that.
I'd been through some really hard stuff in my life, but on September 10, 2017 my life changed forever in a very bad way. Hurricane Irma made landfall very close. My house and business got the "dirty side" of the storm. The house almost completely disappeared, it looked like a claw took away everything down to the studs. My business, which is located 4 lots down the same road as the house, was shuttered almost exactly 2 full years as we worked through horrible litigation with insurance and awful red tape with government. We were in the process of working towards retirement and bought the house less than 2 years before the storm. It was a roll of the dice, in fact it was my ultimate decision that we bought the house. In some ways it was a huge mistake, in other ways a huge salvation. I'm not through processing in my head whether I'd change that if I could go back in time, but most likely I'd say I would probably change that decision if I could.
I took two part time jobs between the impact and our rebuilding, but nothing could really stop the downward spiral of my own mental health. It crept up on me. When I finally realized what was happening I didn't even care or have the energy to try and find a way to care. I think it's a miraculous feat to have survived what I did. I mean, don't get me wrong, the hurricane WAS horrible. I will never forget my first glimpse of our bed and breakfast after the storm. The road was so full of debris it was impassible even on foot in some sections, so we picked out way down Long Beach itself on the 2nd day post storm. To be honest, even typing this right now makes me have pangs of physical pain. The sight was unbelievable... shattered, it was just shattered. Everything that used to be around that I thought would always be here... gone. Thick hardwood hammocks, gone. Almost every tree... gone. The dune... gone. Our possessions... gone. Everything, absolutely everything... gone. Vanished. If it wasn't gone, it was destroyed. The surge and wave action was so high it came into the second level of the bed and breakfast. Trees had fallen on each side of the building which created huge holes thus allowing the torrential rain and wind inside. The skylights blew out of course, allowing rain and wind inside. To this day, sometimes I still find little bits of an odd substance which anyone else other than us living here wouldn't even know what it is. It's insulation from the walls and attic. That stuff was everywhere, it coated everything and anything like fine bits of web. It's been years since Irma, and I've wiped every surface more times than I can count, yet I still find tiny bits of that insulation in rare instances. We've gutted, reconstructed, and rebuilt. Nothing was untouched, yet there's still occasional random bits of insulation. How?
We are not unique having been pummeled by a weather event or natural disaster. This we know.
Irma took not only our home, our business and mental health, but it took the life of our rescue cockatoo Angel. She acquired an infection from the toxic pollution in the air. There was so much debris after the storm, someone(s) somewhere in a position of authority decided to begin huge open burns of debris in certain areas, one of which was near here. We were never even told. It was nothing we could see either. There were so many other smells in the air, we had no clue. None of the public was notified, in fact it was not until residents in an area of another open burn site began to get sick with respiratory ailments that people realized what was being done. Long story short, one morning Angel coughed. The other happy vegan had her seen by her veterinary specialist within about 24 hours of that cough, and she was diagnosed with the serious infection. Birds mask illness, she was no different. By the time symptoms are happening, too often birds are in end stage of whatever is happening. Despite heroic measures by Angel's doctor, she died.
Angel dying was the worst part of everything. We both feel responsible, and still have not come to terms for any peace with what happened. She should not have died. The burns should have been at least disclosed, and we have a lot of residual anger when it comes to her loss of life.
During the time trying to navigate a rebuild of both our lives and the business, I found myself in need of major surgery. I had been struggling for years with odd symptoms which no doctors could ever tie into something and it was frustrating. I'll tell you that often times through the many doctor visits I was told it was in my head. I cannot help but consider that because I am a woman, if a doctor cannot figure something out in the 2.3 minutes of time allotted to my appointment, I'm told it's not real. Well, suffice to say it was real and there was one doctor who actually diagnosed the real within 2.3 minutes of my allotted time. Through grit and grace I ended up under the knife of a specialist surgeon in a specialist hospital on the mainland. This happened during some of the worst of my mental health struggles. I didn't want to have to go to a specialist, in a big special hospital, with needles and knives so far away. I was so tired... I was so sad.... I was barely functioning. I just wanted it to be easy. In the end, I listened to the people who loved me enough to tell me to get where I needed to go, not just where I perceived it would be easy.
After my recovery from surgery, after the rebuild, after Angel's death, and after the reopeing of our business, Covid came into the world. We were reopened mere months when the Florida Keys got shut down, and all legal hospitality got shuttered along with all other non essential businesses. I say legal hospitality because make no mistake... people flooded the Keys in droves, but people like us who are licensed could not operate. All the unlicensed illegal rentals were running full tilt boogie as people with means came in by boat or private plane to illegal and unlicensed rentals (the road into and out of the Keys was closed with a checkpoint, you had to show proof of residency or essential business to get past the checkpoint). Those illegal unlicensed rentals do not pay taxes, and most aren't even insured. Because local government was not operating normally either, there was practically no oversight for all that illegal business. Stories for another day, perhaps.
Once the Keys reopened and legal hospitality was allowed to reopen, we reopened too. We shifted our highly social business model to a reimagined "contactless" model with so much sanitizing and hotspot cleaning our heads were spinning. After a slow start, we were busier than ever with bookings! So, we just kept going and going and going. We refined what needed to be refined through the pandemic, and made the best decisions we could with the information available as time progressed. We maintained our health and worked constantly through the pandemic. We were (and still are) incredibly grateful for the people who chose to come here. Disasters leave devastation of not just property and environment, but also on a financial level and we were not immune from that. Working like fiends, we began to dig out of the financial distress that was set upon us.
I'm not sure when it happened, but the clouds of how I felt and didn't care about anything or anyone began to lift. I think at the worst of it, almost no one understood the depth of what was happening because if someone doesn't want you to understand just how dark things are in their head they will make sure you do not know the truth of that darkness. This is why I say it's a miracle that I'm still here, because it IS a miracle. I don't know why I'm here, or how I'm here, but I am here. I'm still finding my way back and reassembling a few last remaining bits, but the list isn't unmanageable anymore.
We have shifted how we run the bed and breakfast to provide a far better balance for quality of our own lives. We're taking more time off. I took up a new to me craft (metal hand stamping) and quite enjoy it. I returned to running over a year ago and found that by cutting down my self imposed daily requirement of too many miles I "had" to run every day, instead I run just over 3 little miles every day (more only if I want to, not because I have to). I began volunteering at a local animal shelter which was huge on my list as it's something I've wanted to do since moving here. And, wouldn't you know that this blog is one of the things on my list too. It was a way for me to memorialize things in my life, including the business, even though I know it came at an expense of some people who I'd rather not have the level of insider information shared. I do share, but even at the level I share, it's nothing compared to what I hold back.
Through all of it, friends and people I love dearly moved away, and some have died. The circle of people I allow close in my life gets smaller, smaller and even smaller. The older I get the harder it is to make friends, and some days I think why do I even want new friends when I can barely manage the relationships I already have. Also, when it comes to new friendships, I have almost no interest if someone is not vegan.
I never understood the times I would listen to people say their extreme hardship (whatever it was) was a gift. I mean seriously, how can being pushed to the brink of losing everything someone holds near and dear be a gift? But as the light began to return in my life I had my own epiphany of that, and while I do not consider what I've gone through a gift by any means, it has provided a refined clarity of what is important to me. Veganism is important to me, and if someone I meet nowadays can know all the horrors associated with not being vegan and still choose to not be vegan, well then that's all I need to know.
After the storm, I thought I could keep up with being here at the keyboard. I made some posts, they're still up... every post I've ever published is still up. But somehow writing wasn't fun anymore, rather it was exhausting and I was already exhausted. I didn't see a future anymore, so what possibly could be gained by punishing myself even more by setting pressure to write? I've fully accepted with reckless abandon a new post Irma clarity for the word "no." I have learned to edit in life not just in writing, and it has been liberating. I have zero guilt or remorse about the way I conduct myself, what I've removed from my life, the things I've allowed to remain in my life or the new things I've let in. It feels damn good. I think a lot more before I commit to things now, as I will consider the toll on myself of anything I may agree to. I think that I'm in a positive enough head space to actually want to resurrect writing here with zero pressures on myself of how often but fair to say I expect it to be with some regularity.
I don't spend as much time in the kitchen as I used to creating new recipes. I'm not sure if I miss it or not, I guess I don't because if I really wanted to be doing that, I would be doing it. I do not expect to have as much writing about those experiences, but of course I could be wrong about that too.
I do spend more time with our animals with no apologies or guilt as far as things like "its the middle of the day, I should be dusting" kind of thinking. I think there will be a fair amount of writing about animals and their shenanigans, especially now that I volunteer at the shelter.
Rumor has it one day each of us will no longer be here, and apparently that includes me. I live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth and for the time I do have left here, let's see if I can do a little more writing with maybe even some wisdom and mindfulness tucked in here and there. If I find that it's becoming more burdensome than I expect, I'll let you know before I go on walkabout.
I always considered Deer Run more than "just" a business, but after Irma I realized that we are in fact a community. We are so fortunate to be among those small businesses that clearly have longevity, purpose and yes, community. I find that remarkable, and inspiring. For all of this, I share what I have and hope to bring some good stuff your way moving forward.
That's enough recap.
Go vegan, live vegan, stay vegan.
Thanks for reading. See you again soon.
xo
